change

What started as a fantastic dream (touring the United Kingdom with my band for the second time) morphed into a world of challenge (July spent in 100-degree Northern Nevada, babysitting 24 hours a day, three children, zero energy) and then change. Nothing but change, change, change.

It seems that every time there's some sort of change in my life (plus boredom and bloody marys), I get the itch to post a blog. So what's new? I live with my parents (strike), I work part-time as a waitress in a Japanese restaurant (enjoyable, but strike two), and I'm 50 miles away from friends, my life, my city. Strike three, I'm out. I drive around this blazing eastern tip of Los Angeles county, cursing its neighborhoods and residents, shaking my head that it's not home. I actually, for the first time, feel like I don't belong somewhere. And that place is here.

So I've become detached. I'm on autopilot, making it through each day with naps and bloody marys and practicing away at trumpet and piano. I complete each shift without having realized I've just worked. I clock out and drive home and stare at the walls until 3 or 4 in the morning. I read O Henry and fantasize about some day finding someone that originally romantic or I recount and edit the past, erasing idiotic moves and replacing them with envious brilliance. Hindsight fantasies, they rule.

I'm hoping that the cooler fall weather will change my heart again. Maybe that autumnal nostalgia will hit and I'll be lovey. But right now I can't afford to see my friends more than once a week; the said band is going through some sort of tense pubescent stage...everyone's breaking out and shrugging off and mumbling, figuratively speaking, of course. But one way or another, things are strange, and probably going to change quite a bit. I hope Autumn is strong.

So my life...it's on pause, I'm in limbo. I have no plans at all except to make it to work tonight. I don't care what September or 2009 bring. It's strange. Change is strange.